I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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