She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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