Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
