Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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