So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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