The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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