my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
