oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize