herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
