I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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