I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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