The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
