so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
