I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
