Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
