HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
