i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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