About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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