I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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