I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
