I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
