Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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