She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
