sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
