just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
