"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
my being single is dangerous.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
