we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
