I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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