More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
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