My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
