First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
