And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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