God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
