In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The Olympian is in my bed
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
