i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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