then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I forgot wine drunk hurts
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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