Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
