you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
