If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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