Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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