Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
