Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
