Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
