I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
