Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
