When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
