last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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