I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
it glows. i had to have it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
