I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
