i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
