His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
