Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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