I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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